Squirmy

UPDATE! Middle school crushes I guess have to die.

Before I get into the bulk of this post I want to give an update to the last; because it was SO short (sarcasm) that it needed more information.

So I left him alone (this post is going to be confusing if I don't start giving these people names... this 'him' is going to be 'Bamm) we would text on and off, nothing serious. Actually I should say: I text Bamm on and off and he half ass responds. But because I'm manipulative I kept bating Bamm, bringing up subjects I knew he'd want to chime in on or give his two cents. I stroked his ego and appealed to his "Alpha" nature knowing that he'd want to give advice or be heard to know that "he knows best" gag. 

The last such text encounter was the lit fuse to maybe end it all (hopefully for good). 

There is another pup in the area (let's call him 'Bandit') I've been talking to. Told Bandit that I wanted him to invite me out the next time he goes to the Garage (a gay bar in Vegas). We were nearing the last Saturday of the month which is usually when the pups go out to the Garage so I was hoping to get an invite out with Bandit (all while having the hopes that I'd actually run into Bamm...)

To bate Bamm I took a screen shot of Bandit's profile and sent it to him asking if he knew Bandit.

And apparently Bamm knew Bandit well because his response was "unfortunately." This started a heated video message back and forth of Bamm warning me against Bandit; that he was 'Toxic'... kettle. black.

At the end of this conversation (I think this was a Wednesday) I told Bamm to PLEASE let me know if he was going to the Garage on Saturday and to include me. The MOST straight (ew straight) forward I had been in asking to hang out with him. He responded and said he'd let me know about Saturday 'for sure' YAY HOPE!!

Saturday came... Bandit nor Bamm invited me out to the Garage for Saturday night so I assumed they just hadn't gone. I waited around all night not making plans, until about 8:00 when I went out with someone else to a different bar and moped the whole time.

Sunday morning I wake up at 5am to go to the dog park and low and BEHOLD in Bamm's instagram story he was at the Garage the night before. MOTHER FUCKER.

Now in my last post I said that Bamm had done NOTHING wrong and that all my crazy feelings were totally mine and mine alone. But FUCK THAT he gets to take some responsibility for dangling a carrot in front of my face and offering the hope of something and then not delivering. I am not some damsel in distress waiting to be rescued or invited out to a gay bar. I tried leaving him alone multiple times over the last three months and then he'd keep me on the hook. Well it was time to kill this thing and try something different.

Since we had been video messaging the week before I decided to lay it all out in a video to him. I told him how I had strong feelings for him; that I'm in the closet and he's just getting out of a 6 year relationship and I wasn't sure what I was expecting to have happen. I told him how I didn't like how obsessive I had become over him and that it needed to stop. I told him that I was going to unfollow him and block him on socials and that I was deleting his number and to not be offended if he texts me in a years time and I don't know who it is. I tried to keep it light and as non-blame putting as possible. I didn't want to start a fight, I just needed him to know where I was which would hopefully give me some accountability because with him knowing ALL of that I would feel dumb texting him ever again (first). 

Either he hasn't seen it, iMessage failed me in actually sending it, or he's being a COWARD and not responding to it.

Either way it's out there and it's over. Now the painful process of actually moving on.

"Everybody says that time heals everything. But what of the wretched hollow? The endless in-between? Are we just going to wait it out?"

Now on to squirmy.

Squirmy is a fuck bud I met on Grindr. Cute skinny little twink with a big ol white dick. Not someone I thought would go for me because looks wise he's way out of my league. But he has a fetish for guys like me. Big burly dad bod types...

Our first one night stand was fun, but wayyyyy too long. A couple notes:

1. Turn off adult swim while we're fucking. Either have porn on or music, but not adult swim cartoons...
2. Stop. Moving. - Home boy was very SQUIRMY hence his name... 
3. Clean your room. I don't like the grundy pot head burn out feel.
4. I want to fuck and GO... I don't know you. I'm not in the mood to cuddle with your for hours after we have sex. I want to get home to my dog.

So because of these notes I'm not rushing to get back to his bed. He's fun and all and has an AMAZING dick, but honestly I can get myself to orgasm better and faster and then my dog is just downstairs and I don't have the guilt of leaving him alone.

And here's the next problem. Squirmy is texting me non-stop wanting to hang out again. From his messages I can tell that our "relationship" means more to him than it does to me. For me, he's a 5-6 hookup (only gets the 6 b/c of that big dick) so if it's between driving to his apartment for a 2 hour hook up session or a quick 30 minute bate session in my room when I'm tired and don't feel like driving; he's not going to win. Going to his place is a production. It can't be a quick cum and go because he wants to hook up and talk and cuddle. 

So as I find myself sometimes not texting him back; definitely NOT texting him first and trying to hint without hurting his feelings that I'm not as interested in him as he is in me... and I realize something.

I AM DOING TO HIM WHAT BAMM WAS DOING TO ME!!

And I'm sure this is not unique to the gay community as a whole. Ghosting is in all of our nature. For me, I ghost because I don't want to hurt squirmy's feelings. But what's worse: protecting his feelings by ignoring him or ripping the band-aid off and being honest with him so he can move on? What do I wish Bamm had done?

Squirmy's last text me was, "This may sound stupid but is it anything that has to do with me? Part of me feels like I’m bothering you whenever I hit you up." 

That was Friday, it is now Monday and I still haven't said anything to him. I know what I have to do, but I was dealing with my Bamm shit. Today I need to text him and let him know where I'm at. Maybe even give him the context of what I'm going through with Bamm... not to gain his sympathy but hopefully and selfishly keep my fuck bud, while also maintaining boundaries.

Oy' Vay. Maybe I should just go join a monastery and leave all this DRAMA behind.